smooth_obsidian

11:24 am: I have to let go of you,
Its the hardest thing i`ll ever do.

I cant stop loving you no matter how hard i try,i cant sleep,i don`t eat,i`m always on the edge waiting,waiting for the slightest glimmer of hope,waiting for you to deem me worthy.
You told me once,when you`re finished with someone,theres no turning back,i guess i sit in that category now,the walls of your heart are locked in place,keeping me out.
I hurt because i shared intimate,deep feelings with you,i connected with you on such a deep level & i thought we had something amazing & special...was i the only one that thought that?...i dont know anymore,i dont know a lot of things anymore...i dont know who i am to you anymore,i dont know how you feel about me & yet i still sit here like an idiot,waiting,waiting for you to deem me worthy enough or for you to decide i`ve been punished enough,for what,i have no idea.
I`m sorry you think i brought too much drama into your life,that was a two way street tho,yet i never once complained or belittled you for any of it,i wish you`d showed me that same consideration.
I stand by my statement that you will always be my sweetest regret,i wish i`d been able to meet your needs & give you more,i hope some day you fall as deeply in love with someone as i fell for you & i hope they love you back as deeply.
I have never nor will i ever beg anyone to let me back into their life & i`m not about to start now,only you can change the way things are between us.
I wish you much peace,joy & happiness.
Always,
"K"

11:06 am: Letting go
I sit alone with my broken heart,
Trying to figure out how this all came apart.
I shared with her,my soul,
Loving her was my only goal.
Now i`m shut out,alone & confused,
Trying not to let my head convince my heart i`ve been used.
I see her in everything & everywhere,
My heart aches anew because i still care.
I wish i could change time,
Go back to when her heart was mine.
I`m not angry,i`m empty,
Wishing she knew what she meant to me.
Wishing she knew the depths of my love,
Love for an angel i thought sent from above.

08:32 pm: Stolen from Waters LOL

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

05:02 pm:

You scored as The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke. You are the lesbian who can connect your vagina to nearly every object in the entire universe, creative and a little creepy you always astonish your friends. </td> The Student Dyke 80% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 80% The Stud 75% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 55% The Femme Fatale 50% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 45% The Hipster Dyke 40% The Granola Dyke 40% The Bohemian Dyke 25% The Little-Boy Dyke 20% The Surprise! Dyke 10% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 5% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 5% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

01:39 am: My War
Let the hurled "guilt bombs" rain down upon me,

My mind is made up,my decision made,steadfast in my commitment to be free.

Free of the warzone i`ve been living in,free from the deceptions & lies,

My hearts truest love awaits my freedom,to lay together in green fields under blue,cloudless skies.

Ever patient,she waits for me,

Knowing her love,she sustains me.

I love her beyond mere words or actions could ever show,

The ways she`s touched my life,my heart,my soul,i wonder does she know.

Does she know how she`s inspired me to be the best i can possibly be,

Does she know how much her love,her passion,her joys & her losses have touched me.

Does she know how in love with her i am,

Does she know its her love that`s made it possible for me to dream & hope again.

Does she know i will endure this painful war i`m in,

Because i know life,love & happiness with her,will begin.

03:34 am: In the depths of my profound sorrow,

Lies a glimmer of a distant tomorrow.

Endless days of exploring love within a whole new scope,

Realization of the journey to a new amazing hope.

The joining of two hearts,two souls,two friends,

In a love full of romance,connection & fulfillment beyond times end.

I hold fast to the strength her love gives me,

I know together we will soon set our love free.

05:07 am: I hate being so far away from the one person in this world i need.

I hate living a lie,just to have a small semblance of peace in my life

I`m not ten years old anymore,i cant just run away,but thats what i keep wanting to do

I want to run to her,scoop her up in my arms & never let her go

I promise,i am coming sweets...soon

Please have patience with me as i struggle to right my capsized boat.

I love you,adore you,cherish & treasure you with all i am or will ever aspire to be

05:42 pm: Mindless,baseless doubts
Love has never scared me so,not to the depths it does with her....doubts resonate...am i worthy of her...am i good enough...will i ever be?

I wonder sometimes...does she really know...how rattled i truly am...the tremendous emotional upheaval,falling in love with her has wrought?
So much pain that casts shadows on me...i swore never again would i bring another woman out of the closet,it always ends up with me being tossed aside in short order after they get what they wanted....sex....to be brutally honest,when i was younger & wasnt looking for anything heavy,or long term....then i had no problem sleeping with str8 girls or "curious" girls....but lets face it,i`m not that same person anymore...somewhere along the way,something happened & now i want love,companionship,romance,intimacy,laughter,sadness,joy,passion,intensity & commitment to one person,my one true,earth shattering,life changing soul mate.
I so desperately feel its her,but i`m absolutely terrified at the same time.....what if she is my earth shattering soul mate & thinks i`m great for a little while & then becomes "bored" with me,or i dont measure up in the ways she envisions me to be...what then?...tis better to have loved & lost,then never to have loved at all?...i dont think so,not this time...i think i just might die of a broken heart if that happens...i hold on to the belief that,i know her,i have seen her heart,her honesty,her goodness & i know she could not possibly deceive me on any level....but i still feel great inadequacy in my ability to meet her expectations.

My darling,i know at some point you will read this entry & i know it will fill you with pain,please know,that is not my intent,i never want to cause you any pain,i never want to be the cause of even one unhappy tear to glisten,let alone,fall from your beautiful eyes,or hurt your heart...we have both suffered far too many pains & each cried our own oceans...our strength & our shelter from lifes storms,will always be each other...i will love you beyond this & a hundred more lives.

I feel this is something i had to open up to the light of day,for myself more then anyone else.

03:21 pm: Freedom
My hearts desire...freedom.

Freedom to pursue life unencumbered by the chains & shackles of another.
Freedom to love the one i desire most in this universe.
Freedom from the guilt of not loving someone as they desire me to.

My soul,my heart,my body & my spirit long for the woman that has ignited the passion that now consumes me.

I long to hold her close,to see her beauty reflected in soft candlelight.
I long to whisper un-aired secrets,fears,hopes,dreams.
I long to comfort,protect,cherish & love her.
I long to build a life full of joy,laughter,passion & togetherness.

Freedom will not be free & wanting needs more then just wishing for it to be.